“Do they know it’s Christmas time?” How can anyone forget? Another fucking Band Aid song relentlessly played in every corner of the globe for the next eight weeks and beyond won’t let us forget it. Am I the only one to notice the coincidence between the Ebola outbreak in West Africa and the 30 year anniversary of Saint Bob Geldof’s pet project which changed the world forever? Thank God for Bob, eh, or millions of people in Africa would still be starving, getting exploited by the multi-nationals and western governments that couldn’t give a toss.

Apparently, God has just flicked Jesus off His right hand to make way for the ‘other’ son: you know, the better one. I mean, what is curing a few lepers and raising dead people to the achievements of the Holy One…..Bob Geldof. And in recognition of his contribution to bullshit, and in homage to the great ‘God-made-man’ I have penned my own version of that old classic, ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’

Do They Know It’s Piss-take Time?

It’s Christmas-time, there’s every need to be afraid,

Bob Geldof looks like he just crawled out of the grave,

And though his words are empty, think of this to bring you joy,

Put your hands around his throat, this Christmas-time.

But, fuck, say a prayer, here come the other ones,

Bono and Midge, on the gravy train that always runs,

They’ll be tugging on your purse strings, they’ll be trading on your fear,

Angry Bob will just talk bollocks, and suck away your festive cheer.

And he’s calling up Pope Francis, and getting in a stew,

“Frank, my fucking sainthood’s ten years overdue.”

And we won’t be free of Band Aid crap this Christmas-time,

They’ve just released another pile of shite,

There’s nowhere to run or hide,

They’ll take the public for a ride.

Do you know it’s piss-take time at all?

[Cue a selection of geriatric tax-dodging rock stars smiling and high-fiving]

Feed my ego, let them know it’s piss-take time.