The last couple of days have been utterly traumatic for the people of this country. There have been tears and anger in spades, and an outraged public left seething, as another hideous scandal has hit the front page and the country is left questioning itself and how to get over this latest shocking revelation. One of the protagonists has been quoted as saying that the ‘knives are out for her’ as the shock waves continue to reverberate. Indeed, it only seems a matter of time before the government will feel compelled to intervene to avert a national crisis, as it appears that Great British Bake Off ‘pariah’ Diana Beard has dramatically quit the show following high drama as one of her rivals, Iain Watters, saw his ‘Baked Alaska’ melt, prompting him to storm off the set.

Accusations appear to have been made that the dramatic turn of events was the result of Ms Beard, in an act of sabotage, taking the pudding out of the freezer, thereby causing it to melt. Ms Beard, who doesn’t possess one, strenuously denies these serious allegations and will undoubtedly be taking legal advice very soon. The BBC have indicated that they have to date received some 556 complaints about the episode, some of them branding Ms Beard as “evil”. Ms Beard for her part said “Why would I want to sabotage Iain’s Baked Alaska? I was very pleased to get through the first week – everything after that was a bonus. Iain does not hold me responsible at all for his failed ice cream. In fact, he rang me three days ago to warn me that the knives were out”.

In other news, it appears up to 1,400 children have been systematically abused over many years in some northern town.