This morning, my digital radio alarm clock turned 6am and, I swear, for the first time in what seems to be thousands of days it didn’t play ‘I Got You Babe’ by Sonny and Cher. Unfortunately, I didn’t wake up next to Andie Macdowell, but you can’t have everything. I knew something had changed – something major. And I was right. I opened the Daily Mail website home page to find the lead story was about a Scottish isle that was cheaper to buy than a three-bedroom detached property in Wimbledon. I scrolled down. They’d gone! They’d bloody gone! The longest tour since Guns N’ Roses ‘Use Your Illusion’ in 1993 had finally, unbelievably, ended, and Kate, Wills and baby George were finally on their way back to the UK.
It only seems like last year that the royal trio touched down in New Zealand, and the tabloid media switched into overdrive. I would love to know how many million rolls of film have been used by the Daily Mail during the course of this tour, but I’m guessing you could paper the walls of every royal palace in the country several times over with it.
In fact, this tour has received so much coverage that I genuinely feel that I may have to book into ‘rehab’ to help me get over the fact it’s over. What the hell am I going to do every morning now I won’t open the DM and find twenty full-colour shots of Kate’s thighs which have ‘accidentally’ been exposed by a light breeze and a failure to strategically place some weights in the hem of her skirt? From getting off aircraft to climbing into cockpits and shovelling earth onto a newly planted tree, somehow Kate’s skirt always manages to catch a breeze. No more ‘Cockpit Kate’, ‘Kookaburra Kate’, ‘Captain Kate’ or ‘Koala Kate’. No more stuffed wombats or kangaroos, either. I expect the royal couple will have had to have chartered several separate aircraft to accommodate the legions of soft animals that will be looking to relocate to Kensington Palace. Let’s just hope their visas are in order, or they’ll be finding themselves on some Ukip election posters before they can say ‘G’day’.
And who can forget the trip to Ayers Rock? The one that was staged to leave nobody in any doubt that it was intended to be a replica of the visit of Charles and Diana to that very same spot in 1983. The only disappointment was that Wills couldn’t be persuaded to wear a safari suit, and Kate was not up for cutting her hair and dying it blonde.
To all those who would besmirch this lovely couple, I say only this. The sale of Russell & Bromley wedges over the past two weeks has gone through the roof, so the economy really has received a welcome boost from this tour. And of course one must not discount the merchandise that will have been shifted in this royal triumph. Commemorative pottery is always a good seller. Wherever the royals go, you always get an upswing in sales of flags, flowers………..and, of course, you always find plenty of mugs: the commemorative ones, of course.
My bigger fear is what the hell the Daily Mail are going to do for stories for the 23 hours the royal trio are in flight back to the UK, and before we get another glimpse of Kate’s thighs as she gets off the plane? How are they going to fill the empty space? Well, my advice is that if you are Polish, Romanian, unemployed, disabled, attending a food bank, or vote Labour………….you’d just better watch the f**k out!