In an interview with the Daily Telegraph, Witchfynder General Dominic Grieve has accused fifty members of the British Humanist Association of being ‘deluded’ after they dared to sign an open letter expressing ‘concern’ at the potential negative consequences of David Cameron’s assertion that the United Kingdom was a Christian country.

Grieve said “Atheism doesn’t appear to have made much progress in this country. Christianity has made us a tolerant society. And I will not tolerate any heretics who threaten that. The signatories to this letter are very silly. They have put their names and addresses on it, and I will now be despatching Tomas de Torquemada immediately to do God’s will; find them, rack them, sign a complete retraction and then burn them at the stake for the sake of their mortal souls.”

Mr Grieve also confirmed that the United Kingdom was launching its own space programme with the intention of a landing on the Moon within the next six months. “This country is desperately in need of more cream cheese”, he said.