Have you seen Jane? I don’t know the answer to that question, but one thing is for sure; I have. In fact, I see her on a regular basis. I think it is probably, quite literally, my age. I see one or two other women too, but Jane is certainly the one who keeps coming back for more like the proverbial ‘bad penny’. I don’t know how bad Penny actually is, but I suspect Jane can probably give her a run for her money.

Jane is one of the poster girls for a ‘mature dating’ company. Over 40, that is. And this particular company clearly believe that at my time of life I need, well, company. Part of me would like to be impressed that this company care enough about my lonely life to offer me…..Jane. Or anyone. Of course, the truth is a little less romantic. These adverts appear because any information you happen to share anywhere, with anyone, about anything, gets processed by Google or whoever to the point where if you mention in an email that your shoe is a bit tight, within seconds your computer screen is filled with ads for shoe shops. And not just any old shoe shops, but shoe shops that are appropriate for your age, sex and income bracket. This is not random stuff, you know. It is precision marketing. Bespoke stalking, more accurately.

Anyway, back to Jane. Because she is waiting. But, to be honest, I am not really lonely or looking for a ‘date’, which makes me wonder just how omniscient Google actually is. A long time ago, having seen Jane’s face so much that it was seared into my brain in a way that was becoming more than a little worrying, I followed the steps to try to have my ‘Ad Choices’ switched off, or at least this particular ad. And for a time I thought I had cracked it; several months ‘Jane free’. But now she is back, and she has brought one or two mates with her, and it is now a relentless, full-on assault. It is clear that trying to stop this is like howling at the moon – which, incidentally, is just what Jane looks like she is about to do.

Of course, ‘mature dating’ is just a euphemism, and this company are not offering me romance. I am fairly sure that Jane would not wish to spend an evening talking about Proust or climate change. She is sat – ‘perched’ would be a more accurate description – on the side of her Ikea bed in a short black dress and heels, looking over her shoulder and looking, well, desperate. Let’s be honest about it; Jane’s over forty, on her own, and looking for sex. Nothing more, nothing less.

And my problem with this? Nothing. Apart from the fact it is one more example of the rampant bulls**ttery that exists in society. Jane doesn’t want to ‘date’ me. Dating is quaint. It involves going for afternoon tea, to the cinema, for a meal. It conjures up images of picnics on a sun-drenched moor, chilled wine and scotch eggs, rabbits in the hedgerows and surrounded by nature’s magical delights. Somehow I really don’t think Jane is wanting to do any more than to test out the quality of Ikea goods in a, well, ‘personal’ way. Nothing wrong with that, as I say, but let’s not call it ‘dating’, shall we. Why not call the company ‘Mature Sex UK’, because that more accurately describes what is on offer here. A glass of cheap Waitrose sauvignon blanc and away you go. Why the hell can’t we just call things what they are? Is anyone going to be offended by calling a company ‘Mature Sex UK’ and actually advertising what is being offered without somehow seeking to offer some marginal deference to non-existent ‘sensibilities’? No. We have to go through this stupid ‘pas de deux’ of bulls**t that this is just a modern way of finding your ‘soul mate’, rather than a way of finding someone to mate with – on a, very, temporary basis.

Of course, society is now rampant with hypocrisy and bulls**ttery on a grand scale. So much so that we now seem to simply accept it as a part of life; like endless rising petrol prices and Tom Jones. I have tried – I really have – to understand why this state of affairs has arisen in an effort to try to make some sense of it. I mean, would it be illegal for a company to be called ‘Mature Humping UK’ and offer what it actually presents on the tin; sex with a desperate ‘forty-something’? Now look. I don’t blame Jane. We all have needs, and I don’t want to suggest that she is offering herself up in the kind of way you might find in parts of Amsterdam. Clearly not. But let’s face it, these companies that are sitting ‘mature’ women on a bed in next-to-nothing looking like they may just pass out any minute if they don’t get some serious action are making a lot of money out of this, and no mistake. Again, if everyone is happy with this, why not just say it how it is. These companies will be your pimp and both parties will get what they are after. Indeed, it may increase Ikea’s profit margins if I like the bed. My point here is, ‘would it be illegal to just present this as a sex arrangement site?’

There’s another female I want to ask you about, and I need your help. Molly. I’ve been searching everywhere. She apparently is going to make my life happier, more exciting, and she is really going to make me want to dance. These are lyrics from a song by Cedric Gervais which comes with its very own sapphic video. Actually, Molly is a very popular girl right now. Miley Cyrus likes to party and dance with her (‘We Can’t Stop’). The poor girl must feel either stalked, wasted or both right now.

Of course, we all know what ‘molly’ is. It is a pure form of MDMA (ecstasy) which is illegal to use, possess or sell in the United Kingdom and, to the best of my knowledge, the United States and many European countries. Yet it is perfectly acceptable to have songs which, let’s face it, we all know are promoting and encouraging use of this drug. The issue here is not drugs, but hypocrisy. You can sing about it all day long….but you can’t actually get off your face on the thing without running the risk of an appointment at your local court and a criminal record. What the hell is that about? Record companies can make millions from promoting drug use; and yet use the stuff and you had better watch the f**k out!

Talking of criminal records, both the songs I mentioned really should be banned for the crime of being mind-numbingly crap. Knowing I would face a tidal wave of opposition to this overwhelming truth, I have always felt secure in the saying of Gandhi: ‘Even if you are in a  minority of one, the truth is still the truth.’ Okay, bearing in mind both these songs are aimed at a particular market, I will gracefully accept that I would be better off looking for Jane than Molly. At least what she is offering is not illegal – at least at this moment in time.

I do, however, have a comment for the dating company that Jane promotes. Listen, I first saw Jane sat on her bed maybe two or three years ago. She is still there. What the hell does that say about your company? You can’t even get the poor girl a date, let alone a lifelong companion. If your service is that crap, why the hell should I be prepared to shell out good money?

 

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