The Labour Party has announced that it has secured the services of President Barack Obama’s campaign strategist David Axelrod to help ensure its success at the next general election. A delighted Douglas Alexander said “We scoured the country for bulls**t artists but they all told us that they didn’t possess the requisite degree of bullsh*ttery to pull off miracles. Mr Alexrod, a man with no knowledge whatsoever of the British political system, however, was only too happy to take the job on, once he realised we would pay him whatever he asked.”

Mr Alexander, speaking on Radio 4’s Today programme, said that “with Alrexod’s help, the party will present a manifesto ‘printed in bold colours, not pastel shades.'” When pressed about this, he confirmed that the manifesto will be printed in brown, for two reasons: firstly, in homage to the contribution made by the greatest prime minister the country has never elected, and secondly to remind people that the manifesto was all bulls**t.

Conservative Central Office reacted swiftly to the news, calling the appointment ‘disgraceful’. Tory campaign strategist Horatio Fuller-Bull said “We would never stoop so low as to hire anyone from a foreign country to run our election campaigns. Lynton Crosby may be from Australia, but at least that’s British! Besides, British politics isn’t a circus!” Seven minutes later, Mr Fuller-Bull confirmed that the party had decided to sack Mr Crosby immediately in an effort to bring in someone who might be able to neutralise the ‘Axeldor effect’, and has also confirmed that Vince McMahon will be arriving to take up the vacant position next week.

Mr Adrelox will, however, is not likely to be arriving for some time. He has yet to locate the United Kingdom on the world map.