Just when you thought that life could not get any more surreal, that it could offer no more surprises, that in fact the world’s reserves of bullsh*t had finally been utterly exhausted, step forward  Prime Minister David Cameron to restore your faith – quite literally. As Christians approach the time of year when they remember the ‘sacrifice of the Cross’, a man who has never sacrificed anything for anyone informs us of the ‘peace’ and, worryingly for some, ‘guidance’ he finds in his Christian faith. I wouldn’t mind so much, but the only cross this man has ever been concerned about is the one he wants putting on a ballot paper every five years or so. What we do know about Cameron, however, is that he knows all about jumping on a bandwagon after the circus has already left town (see post 9th April 2014: “Send In The Clowns”).

In celebration of this ‘Road to Lanzarote’ moment, Michael Stipe has decided to get some members of R.E.M back together and re-release a version of one of their best-loved songs, ‘Losing My Religion’. Due to contractual reasons, however, they cannot use the name R.E.M, and so will release the song under the name R.B.M (Rapid Bowel Movement – which seems entirely appropriate where Cameron is concerned).

 

USING MY RELIGION

Oh Christ! I’m buggered

What can I do?

Will you see through me,

The lengths that I will go to,

The quantity of lies?

Oh no, I’ve said too much

I’ve said enough

 

That’s me with the bullsh*te

That’s me in the spotlight

Talking ‘bout religion

Trying to take a moral view

And I don’t know if I can do it

And will they say I’m touched

With all this religious stuff?

 

I thought that I heard you laughing

I think that’s a mortal sin

I’ll call my doctor for some spin

 

Every second

Of every waking hour

I’m choosing my deceptions

Trying to keep bullsh*tting you

Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool

Oh no, I’ve said too much

I’m out of touch

 

Consider this

Consider this, the hint of hypocrisy

Consider this, motive,

That brought me to my knees, failed

What if all this fantasy comes

Crashing down

Now I’ve said too much.

 

I thought that I heard you laughing

I think that’s a mortal sin.

Oh God, I can’t let Ukip win.

 

But is that just a dream

Is that just a dream?

 

That’s me with the Bible

That’s me in the headlines

Using my religion

Trying the power of prayer

If it was good enough for St Blair

It’s good enough for me

I’m his heir, you see

 

I thought that I heard you laughing

I thought that I heard you sing

I think that I need sectioning.

 

 

 

 

 

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