In the pantheon of ‘sports’ which have way overreached any potential for public interest which common sense and reason would suggest, golf has to be right up there with darts (see post 18th March 2014 ‘Arrows of Outrageous Fortune’). As an indication of the fact that humanity truly is doomed to destruction, we only need to consider the number of devotees of this skull-numbing pastime who approach this game, and defend it, with almost religious zeal. It should be enough to say that this is an activity where people hit a small, hard object with a stick as far as they can into a hole which is about the size of tea cup……and then do it again, and again, and again. I consider it an affront to philosophical enquiry as to why a faculty has not been established at every major university devoted to the question….why?

It gets worse, however. Not only do people actually spend hours every week on this activity, but the ‘High Priests’ of the cult can actually make shed loads of money out of it – which only strengthens the argument that golf truly is one of the world’s premier religions. As I write, one of the major religious festivals of the cult (the ‘Masters’) is taking place in Augusta, Georgia, where the man (yes, it will be a man…..don’t the similarities with organised religion here just keep cropping up with alarming regularity?) who wins – and I’ll come back to this in a moment – will walk away with around $1,440,000! Oh, and apparently 600 ‘FedEx Cup’ points. I don’t know about you, but if I were handed a cheque for around a million and a half dollars, I’d probably not be too bothered about the points myself. Maybe they can be given to charity and exchanged for a few litres of petrol for the organisation’s mini-bus or something?

As I say, logic and reason should tell you that anyone who plays, let alone wastes valuable hours of their lives watching, this crap needs some serious psychiatric intervention. I suggest that most thinking people would be satisfied with the ‘hit small ball with stick into little hole’ argument, but clearly this does not satisfy the more hardened zombies. Oh, and while I am at it, beware those people who make light of this cult and –usually in jokey fashion- talk about their wives as ‘golf widows’. Listen. There are no golf widows; just women who are being psychologically abused by men who are basically religious fundamentalists. Alternatively, they are totally batsh*t insane themselves, in which case it is probably a marriage made in whatever heaven golf addicts believe in. Anyway, as I say, clearly basic logic and reason is lost on these people, and so I’d like to add one or two other pearls of wisdom…..just to hurry along the sane-train a little.

On any definition of the word ‘sport’ you want to rely on, golf fails the test with merit. As most people will know –and, if you don’t, count yourself truly blessed by the Anti-Christ of golf- a ‘round of golf’ involves 18 holes of sheer unmitigated misery. Player hits small ball off little holder as far as he can and then walks after it, where he hits it again….and so on. Apparently, from start to finish, one swing of whatever stick is being used takes something like one and a half seconds before ball flies off several hundred yards. Now, I want to be as fair as I can possibly be, so I am going to allow an extra half a second per swing here and round it up to two seconds per swing. The top players will usually aim to finish a round in something like seventy shots or so; again, in the spirit of fairness, let’s round it up to eighty. You will immediately have sensed where I am going with this, but if you haven’t…..well, your reasonably good golfer spends something in the region of 160 seconds per round of golf (well under three minutes) actually playing the game. The rest of the time, he (or she, let’s not be too sexist about this) is either walking….or thinking. I don’t know about you, but if I want to see people walking, I can go onto my local High Street, where quite a lot of it takes place, and very often providing far more interest. As for thinking, well….I can join a philosophy class for that and – who knows- perhaps even launch a faculty dedicated to this very subject!

And the walking (and thinking)…..it takes hours! Hit ball, walk several hundred yards. And it’s not even as though these icons carry their own bag of sticks! No, they get some other useful idiot to do that for them. I have always felt sorry for those poor sods. They don’t even get to swing a club in anger to release the pent-up frustration that any normal, balanced human being would feel in being exploited and forced to watch this sh*t! Then again, organised religion has never shied away from generous quantities of slavery and repression, and neither does this particular brand.

If there were such a thing as ‘a breach of human rights’, this activity would be outlawed. As a fairly liberal-minded individual, however, I do think there are one or two things that could be done to make this activity acceptable to Human Rights Watch, or whatever other organisation should be protecting us.

So, here are my suggestions. Firstly, we could just cut out all the pointless walking and thinking and get these lunatics to stand in front of a camera and swing a club for two and a half minutes non-stop (thereby saving several hours of useful ‘living time’). It would also be more likely to get these lazy sods to work up enough of a sweat that at least they needed a shower straight afterwards, rather than a scotch and soda in the club bar. Alternatively, the game could be made infinitely more interesting by the random use of exploding golf balls (one in every six, say, contains a highly sensitive explosive which obliterates everything within a one hundred yard radius when hit by a golf club), and further by inserting three highly deadly venomous snakes (or spiders, whichever floats your boat) in three of the eighteen holes, ready to inject fast-acting poison into the veins of some idiot wearing plus-fours and a smug look after ‘sinking his putt’. The possibilities truly are limitless….it just takes imagination, which is something most people involved in this ‘sport’ seem to lack in spades.

As Descartes (may)  have once said “I swing, therefore I am.”

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