Pray to the god you don’t believe in that your mobile phone never dies on you and you need to find a public call box. With apologies to Maroon 5.






I’m at a payphone, trying to call home

All of my change it keeps dropping through

Where have my coins gone? F**k, this is all wrong

And who the hell do I complain to?


Yeah, I, I know it’s hard to remember

When these phone boxes were red,

Now they have all the appearance

Of metal coffins instead


A call, it’s too late to make it?

I’ll give it just one more try,

The precious time that I’ve wasted

Finding just one in this town.


Cell battery’s died

No f**king backlight,

My SIM’s paralyzed,

Still stuck in that time

When these payphones worked,

But in the UK now everything’s sh*te.


I’m at a payphone, trying to call home

All of my change is still dropping through

Where has it all gone? This is still all wrong

Surrounded by empty cans of ‘Strong Brew’

If “happy ever after” did exist,

Phone boxes wouldn’t smell of stale p*ss

You wouldn’t put your feet in old dog sh*t

And slippy pools of curry-based vomit


This handset looks like spaghetti

The mouthpiece smashed on the floor

Drips from the ceiling have wet me

Graffiti sprayed on the door


BT expect me to be fine?

I don’t expect them to care,

I know I’ve said it before

But payphones are sh*te in this town


I’ve wasted my time

Stood in pools of slime,

Walls covered in grime

This should be a crime

And BT don’t care

Do they make a profit, with service this sh*te?


I’m at a payphone, can’t get a dial tone

All of the wires have been cut through

Where’s the repair guy, to fix up this pig sty?

Look at the sh*te he’ll have to wade through!

If “happy ever after” did exist,

The BT chairman’s face would meet my fist

‘What seems to be the problem?’ Here’s a list.

They’d even get the Dalai Lama pissed!

Now I’m at a payphone.


Ooohh yeah yeah

The guy responsible should be strung up

I’d like to tell him just where he can go,

Then shove a handset right up his a**hole

It’s unacceptable, he needs to know.


I’m at a payphone, trying to call home

All of my memories are shot through,

Calls used to be 10p, enquiries all free

It’s now 60p they steal from you.

If “happy ever after” did exist

BT would be forced not to take the piss,

Their payphones are already full of it,

F**k, you need flippers and a snorkel kit!

I’m in a payphone!


(Available on iTunes)