It’s getting to that time of year when a significant portion of the world’s population are about to celebrate the seminal moment for their particular spiritual world view. On any view, the defining moment of Christianity is pretty ghastly. Nice guy spends an evening with twelve of his mates, telling them they have to eat his flesh and drink his blood, before getting arrested, beaten, tortured, scourged, spat on, nailed to a cross and left to die (basically by asphyxiation), which he does, before being skewered by a spear (just to make sure he wasn’t faking). Nobody can say it is a pleasant read. Good job it coincides with that time of year when there is plenty of chocolate flying around…..just to take your mind off it a bit, eh?

God has never been averse to a lot – and I mean a lot – of carnage, death and misery. And this week has seen Hollywood offering up one take on this aspect of God’s personality with the release of ‘Noah’, Darren Aronofsky’s spin on the time when God lost it big time and decided to wipe out the entire population of the planet by drowning it. I have to say, I have always been a bit disappointed with God for being so unimaginative. As a serial killer with plenty of experience, you might have thought that after several generations, God might have considered far more interesting ways for people to die than mere drowning. I mean, when your power is limitless, why the f**k not use it to have a sodding good laugh if mass murder is your kind of thing? As a bit of fun, you can try this at home, and get granny and the kids to  join in too! How many more interesting ways could you have thought of to wipe out the population of the world, before grabbing your popcorn and sitting back to enjoy the show? Exactly.

The thing you are always guaranteed with films like this is……….more f**kwittery than you can shake a very large stick at. Why? Because films with a religious theme always generate it. It usually starts out with the Christian brigade who, regardless of whether they have seen the film or ever intend to see the film, have already decided that the film has to be pulled to f**king bits because it’s about something in the Bible, and it cannot possibly be a true representation of ‘God’s Word’. Oh really? I wonder why that could  be. Perhaps because if Darren Aronofsky had stuck to the ‘script’ – ie Genesis 6 – 8 – the f**king film would have been over in about four and a half minutes! Not even time to chew and swallow your first mouthful of popcorn! In order to pad out the story to make it a viable film, you’ve got to add your own detail, and whose fault is that? Darren Aronofsky? No, God again! If He’d written a bit more, it could have been used as the screenplay! But no. As usual, God really left it all a bit vague, but that of course makes it very handy for some foam-at-the-mouth Christians to sound off and get all pious.

Having got the Christians in a lather, you then have large swathes of the Muslim faith rattling their cages because their particular brand regards Noah as a prophet – and you can’t portray those on screen because it’s blasphemy. Obviously, you would have thought that if there was only one God, He could at least have got it squared up with His representatives on Earth whether it offended Him for Hollywood film-makers to do this or not. Once again, God really has not been on the case. Then you get the atheists, who see it all as total horses**t. It makes for a very potent, and interesting, mix.

I decided to entertain myself by going to the trailer for the film on You Tube; not to watch the video itself but just to read the comments posted under it. Rather like Twitter, it never fails to provide hours of entertainment as Christians, Muslims, Jews and atheists hack away at each other with varying degrees of insanity. Atheist: ‘Hated the film, bored out of my brain.’ Christian: ‘Well, you should read the Bible, and get the true story,’ Muslim: ‘This is an insult,’ And on and on. It is seriously funny s**t, and certainly on a par with Twatter.

I don’t know who I consider more to blame for the rampant insanity; the people who swallow this bulls**t, or God Himself. On balance, I am more inclined to blame Him, because ultimately whose fault is it? He really has been guilty of some pretty shoddy work from day one. First of all, He decides we all have to die because Adam eats a bit of fruit. But think about it: if He had never made the f**king fruit, nobody would have needed to die! You can’t eat what doesn’t exist! And why make the serpent? What was the f**king point, if the omniscient God could see this reptile was going to work his charm on Eve and tempt the hapless cow? And does God know nothing about eating your five a day? It seems to me that once you’ve decided to deliberately ignore your own omniscience, you can’t then get f**king angry about people doing what you always knew they were going to do, with the twisted logic of God then deciding He has to wipe out mistakes He of course never makes!

Rather than have the horror show of Easter, with all that scourging, blood, gore and pointless death, wouldn’t it have been far better for Jesus to have just written his own book? ‘My Story’ by Jesus.I.Am. And it could be released at Waterstones just in time for his birthday, too! The tills would be ringing all through December, which always keeps Christians happy. I mean, why bother waiting until after you die and having to rely on four guys who couldn’t get their f**king stories straight to tell people his story? Once again, woolly thinking and no forethought. Alternatively, he could have been born now and ‘spread the word’ without needing to rely on incompetents and f**kwits to do it for him (very badly, as it happens). Jesus could have had his own Twitter account, Facebook page and Instagram account. He could have got the word out around the world in minutes, rather than two thousand years; I suspect raising someone from the dead would have been something that would now go viral on the internet in no time flat. Who wouldn’t want to ‘follow’ him on Twitter? He’d have got far more than the twelve he apparently ended up with.

One thing is for sure. ‘Noah’ is making the atheist Darren Aronofsky a good financial return, as sure as eggs is eggs.

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