Estate management companies. Rather like the mafia, they excel in charging exorbitant service charges for doing…..basically f**k all. Actually, that’s not quite true. They like to rake in money (with or without menaces), and then send out endless letters and missives in relation to how good they are at ‘managing’ the area where you live. Nice to know, then, that the local one has started wasting even more service charge payers’ money by sending out (by ordinary mail) a ‘Newsletter’, just to rub your nose firmly in the fact that they are making loads of cash at your expense: oh, and also to remind you to cut the plants back outside your house once they grow over fifteen inches, and to take your rubbish bins back within half an hour of them being emptied. I do, however, consider that some of the latest Newsletter is slightly inaccurate, and have taken the liberty of amending it slightly to more accurately reflect the situation. Names have been changed to protect the less than innocent.
CHAMOIS KNICKS ESTATE MANAGEMENT
(“Hell for leather for your money!”)
Volume 1: Issue 3 (March 2014)
It has been a busy year at Wellington Grove as we work flat out to persuade you that your service charges are not being totally wasted, and to justify increasing them as much as possible wherever and whenever we can. Several new highly-paid directors have come on board to help us in this task and, counting on your ongoing gullibility, we know that we can achieve this goal going forward. As you will all appreciate, banking cheques and receipting credit card payments are highly skilled tasks and require a highly paid and dedicated team. We have also had to take on another fifteen extra staff members to deal with the range of incoming emails, and you can be assured that they are all working as hard as possible to ensure as many of those e-complaints and queries are being deleted as soon as they arrive, if not sooner. In order to maintain and improve our ability to bank your cheques and process your payments, it will unfortunately be necessary to increase the service charges again this year in order to take on more staff to perform this role. What you can always be assured of is that we will continue in our unwavering commitment to use your service charges to advise, bully and cajole every resident, as required, particularly in relation to wheelie bin crimes and parking issues, before leaving it to the local authority to sort out: why waste any more of your money, going forward?
Site Maintenance & Improvements
We have received plans and quotes for the rejuvenation of the grassed area around Curry Mews. There is need for improvement in access to the area going forward and we accept there is clear neglect; at least, we have tried to neglect the situation as long as we possibly could, and have successfully managed to do so for a considerable period of time. Having now finally got around to it, I can assure you that both the directors and I are working hard over many, many liquid lunches to see where finances to support the project can come from, and will continue to do so going forward. When we know, we will of course send you invoices for it, which should be paid promptly within 14 days or you may face civil action for recovery.
As you all know, maintenance is one of our key responsibilities, and we take it extremely seriously. That is why we spend so much of your service charge in writing relentlessly to you to tell you to maintain the site! We really cannot be spending your hard-earned money in doing any more maintenance than is absolutely necessary, as we desperately need the finances to be able to keep reminding you to do it!
We have recently received reports from several residents of inconsiderate parking. We take this issue very seriously, and accordingly the directors have just spent seven hard and long days in a five star hotel on Mustique, on a conference dedicated to this single issue. The solution the directors have arrived at following their deliberations is that if any resident sees anyone else parking inconsiderately, they should make sure that they themselves take action immediately by finding the owner of the offending vehicle and reminding them of their obligation to be considerate. Coming up with this solution has obviously not been cheap, and unfortunately the invoices we will be sending out in relation to it will again need to be paid within 14 days, on the same terms as above.
On a final note, we have been advised that one recalcitrant resident left his ‘Other Refuse’ bin for collection at an unacceptable 34 degrees to the perpendicular. We will be writing to this resident this week informing them that any repeat of such inconsiderate behaviour will result in a private prosecution and, of course, would be something which would remain on their criminal record for life, rendering their future employment prospects perilous going forward.
We are in a healthy financial position, thanks to your unfailing willingness to keep paying us exorbitant service charges without scrutinising a thing that we actually do, so thank you. We rely on your continued gullibility to maintain this financially healthy state of affairs; smoke and mirrors are not cheap these days! The company is moving forward nicely, going forward, and we appreciate your financial sacrifice in these times of austerity for many of you, going forward. We will certainly raise a glass of Moet & Chandon to you during our next directors meeting, you can be assured.
We are pleased and proud to announce our flagship project for 2014. We are currently in deep discussion about the possibility of erecting a notice board (probably measuring some 20” x 12”) somewhere on the estate to inform members about community events, even though we are aware that none currently exist and are unlikely to from now until the end of time, going forward. The cost of this board and its erection by our maintenance team is unlikely to exceed £10,000, funding for this will obviously be a key issue, going forward. We are currently seeking a location for a meeting to discuss it further, which we anticipate will have to be The Maldives, as the Jury’s Inn, Exeter is fully booked for the next 17 years.
Our new directors are very happy to be on board, naturally. Who wouldn’t want to ride on this particular gravy train? They are interested in site affairs and knowing how it is run, and we will ensure that a weekend in Paris is set aside in order to get them up to speed, going forward.
A Word From the Directors
We hope you are enjoying the Newsletter. As you can see from the quality, it is not a cheap publication. The Wellingtonia tree in the photograph (above) also drove a very hard bargain, demanding an appearance fee of £5,000 plus royalties. The invoice will be arriving soon. You know the drill by now: 14 days, please.