I know you know what I’m talking about. And I know you know the kind of people I’m talking about. That’s right. They’re the kind of people who like to ‘brainstorm’, to run a flag up an imaginary pole just to see who salutes, and they are always ‘above board’ and keen to offer solutions rather than answers.They think it is always a good idea to push the envelope, but see it as essential to keep their powder dry, just so things don’t reach critical mass of course. And when they’ve finished pressing your buttons, they are always willing to press your flesh.’No thanks, I’d rather you just cursorily shake my hand before you make my day and disappear,’
‘We need to optimise our options to ensure success going forward.’ ‘We are in a continual process of reinventing our strategy to ensure maximised profitability going forward.’ ‘I suggest we streamline our team to get us back into the ball park going forward.’ Look, I know that the world is always going to produce a significant amount of idiots who want to talk corporate drivel, but seriously, too many people are sounding like they have just come off the set of ‘The Office’. I have some news – it was comedy! Nobody was meant to watch inane corporate crap being mocked and then start using it themselves in the real world! That was not the idea! I don’t know. Maybe it is just a disease that begins to afflict people when they accept a job that involves them wearing a ridiculous name badge, bearing a picture of them that looks like it was taken whilst under heavy sedation upon admission to Broadmoor, and then this piece of plastic crap is usually hung around the neck with a length of blue ribbon. Who wouldn’t be proud to wear one? Me, for one!
I am going to confess. I like Shakespeare, I didn’t even mind studying Keats at A level, and I would probably sooner eat a pair of underpants that had been recently worn by Ricky Gervais than text words such as ‘l8r’, ‘ru up 4 it’ or place a ‘hashtag’ before any word or phrase, just to get it ‘trending’. But it truly seems that our brains are now so hopelessly locked into mindless zombie mode that we can no longer work out the meaning of simple words, let alone join a couple together and decide whether they are anything other than meaningless crap.
Everything goes forward. We can thank something called ‘time’ for that. We don’t understand it, it has occupied some of the finest minds throughout history, and most of us just don’t seem to have enough of it: but, it only goes forward! Until the boys and girls at CERN finally find a way to collide really small particles in such a way that the fabric of the universe is thrown into chaos and we see the likes of Aristotle, St Augustine, Vlad the Impaler and Mozart slip through a breach in the space-time continuum, can we not accept that everything ‘goes forward’. Listen: if you want a solution, it’s only going to happen some time after now! Not five minutes ago, not last week, not the last time you heard a Shakira song that didn’t make you want to rip your ears off. You want a solution? Great. Here’s the thing: if it’s going to come along, it’s going to be some time after now. Tagging on ‘going forward’ doesn’t tell me anything I don’t know. It just makes me want to ask you whether any part of your brain has ever considered the meaning and relevance of the actual noises that are coming out of your mouth.
I need to lie down now. Hopefully I will feel much better going forward.