PARENTAL ADVISORY: NOT SUITABLE FOR ANYONE UNDER 18, OR SHODDY LANGUAGE SCHOOL DIRECTORS OF STUDIES

Having obtained a teaching qualification towards the end of 2013 I set out on a job quest; a little like Lord of the Rings only involving real cave trolls and unpleasant things emerging from unwisely disturbed waters. The lyrics that follow were inspired and composed after experiencing something which is all too frequent (though fortunately not universal) when applying for a job teaching English; the potential employer who oozes over your CV, then wants to interview you, but when it comes down to sorting out the fine detail somehow seems to slip way off radar with the elusive abilities of an eel that has just slithered out of a vat of high quality virgin olive oil. You wait, and wait…….and wait. Then you wait some more. At the risk of  jeopardising what remains of my entire future, I now present what I hope is a fitting homage to charlatan employers the world over.

From “NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL RUDENESS, 56” (Track 3)

CALL ME, MAYBE

(Apologies this time to Carly Rae Jepsen)

Verse 1

I sent a CV to you
A covering letter too
All of the info was true
(ok, perhaps not all)
You wrote me back pretty fast
Stage one successfully passed!
The happiness wouldn’t last
Do you still want to call?

Bridge

Now, a week has passed
Since I heard from your ass
Is your neck made of brass?
Or have you fallen off a mountain?

Chorus
Hey, I don’t know you
Are you a DOS?
You so f**king rude
Bet your school is a mess,
But if you give me a job
I’ll have your baby,
Here’s my number,
So call me, maybe?

Verse 2

Another day has gone by
It’s boring watching time fly
The pigs will be in the sky
Next time I hear from you
Maybe you’ve seen through my crap
and reconsidered my app?
I wanna give you a slap
And kick your soft parts, too

Bridge

I could be a psycho,
give you a Twitter ‘follow’,
Facebook ‘friend’ you by tomorrow
I’ll make you wish you had some manners!

Chorus

Hey, you seemed a cool dude,
On your Facebook page,
You said we’d moved on
To the interview stage,
Man, I don’t know you
But you drive me crazy,
You’re either a corpse,
or f**king lazy.
Please, don’t ignore me
It’s really not nice,
If we ever meet
I’ll stick your nuts in a vice.
Look, I’m a decent guy
It’s hard to faze me
So here’s my number
You’ll call me, maybe?

Verse 3

I know that I shouldn’t gripe
But you said we’d chat on Skype
Or was that bulls**t and hype?
Please give me just one sign
Have you been hospitalised?
Been beaten up by some guys
To whom you promised replies,
But never found the time?

Bridge

If you’d called, I’d be hired
You’d have been inspired
At this rate I’ll be retired
OMG, I’m decomposing!

Chorus

Hey, man, listen up good
My time’s always tight
I don’t like people
Who treat me like sh*te.

Your disrespect for human beings makes you look bad,
How can you do that?
It makes me barking mad.
At this moment
You should know how much I hate that,
I’d chew off your ass…..
so call me, maybe?

Advertisements